To the BATMOBILE

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

what the hell happened then?

Nope, it's not about the girl I've fallen for (I'm not going to give up. Nope, no, nah, never. It's worth the wait. Waited 2 years, what's a few more? Quite alot really.)

Instead, take a look at the picture on the left. Before the ladies start swooning and demanding to adopt that sexy little devil - keep in mind its been around a decade sinced I looked like that. Yes, I did look like that once (before the caterpillars crawled onto my forehead and formed my eyebrows).

"Happy days!" (Would sing more, if I knew anything past the chorus)

The observant reader would note the great taste in clothes even then. Which child has not ever wanted to be a astronaut, power ranger, (batman?). Whereas I dreamt of becoming Swashbuckler Butler! The idea still thrills me slightly, I must confess. My father's tales of sailing to and fro India with weevil-infested rice for dinner and wooing exotic beauties of strange countries (The latter seemed hard to believe) seemed alluring at that twisted young age.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and thus I must awake from my daydream of the good ol' "Happy days!" (and her), and I shall repair to my bed to finish off some bedtime reading (being highly intellectual and all)...

A toast -
To many things. In order of significance, "her", the next holiday, and everybody's beloved return to school! (and little swashbuckler Butler - bless his soul)
TO THE BATMOBILE

posted by butler at 9:55 pm
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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

butlerman tomyam style

Sour, sharp, tasty and that extra dash of spices.
Served with a cold glint in the eye.
This is butlerman - tomyam style, fresh from thailand.

Thailand, the caucasian man's land of opportunity. I still remember just how 6 days ago, or 144 hours, or 8640 minutes, or some 3000000 seconds. A mind bogglingly short period of time (made simpler by the use of Windows Calculator). Yet within such a seemingly insignificant space of time, so much has happened.

I have...

1) Played two matches (and scored once, thank you very much. autographs will be handed out later)
2) Been approached by two hookers (or anyone, for the first time in my life. The former's adam's apple did put me off somewhat and spoilt the moment. The latter had a sexy figure, but it was buried under a number of layers of wobbly fat)
3) Joined a secret underground brotherhood of dashing young men with an untold amount of riches and girlfriends. (Unforunately I'm just joking. I probably would have been the odd one out anyway.)
4) Chased by short fat half-naked youths with tattoos after patting their gangdog (How was I suppose to know the dog belonged to them)
5) Been forgotten by everyone in Singapore. (Ungrateful bastards)

National Geographic-worthy.

Number 5 was the most expected to tell you the truth. Butler-sense told me something was wrong right from the very start of the day. Sleeping through the wakeup call (nothing particularly unusual - but still), and stumbling into the dining area craving something edible (asking for something that tasted vaguely of anything would be asking too much from a hotel). Unfortunately enough, the cook seemed to have stumbled onto the world's largest cache of World War 2 rations and decided to have a laugh among themselves by serving it (in Thai of course. That way nobody can understand the gibberish they are amusing themselves with. "Hah, wait till that westerner-boy realises he's eating goat shit mixed with wet cardboard." Not that anybody could understand their english anyway). 5 pain-filled hours of listening to pre-pubescent Sec Ones screaming later, I board the aeroplane to find out that I'm being attended to by Mrs Troll and her Ogre Stepmother whereas my neighbour has the personal attentions of a ravishing 20 year old beauty (so what if he had dislocated his knee. I was half-contemplating to break mine there and then).

Reaching home (barely alive and sustained by the IV-drip), I find out my friends could not wait another 24 hours to watch Batman Begins (I was stuck on tour for 144 hours with a room-mate who amuses himself by skinning sausages for crying out loud) and revel in the fact my relationship with the girl I'm smitten with (to the point that I'm using "smitten" with) seems to have degenerated into a limbo (yet again).

Having witnessed it all (and still not knowing how much "It" is), I've attained the steely gaze of someone who has the knowledge of the world at his fingers, and has traversed the planet (and still gotten nowhere at home). This is Butlerman - Tomyam style. Your choice to literary food poisoning.

TO THE BATMOBILE

posted by butler at 11:15 pm
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Monday, June 13, 2005

who needs brad pitt...

"The Secret Life of Butlerman", starring Johnny Depp as Martin Butler, Angelina Jolie as herself, and everybody else being insignificant, a real life story where in a publicity trip to Singapore to promote her latest movie, Angelina Jolie stumbles across Marine Parade Road's residential superhero (Yours truly, Butlerman) and falls in love.

You would have to excuse me of course, but any teenager's imaginations and creativity runs wild after watching any movie which involves the Sexiest Woman Alive, Angelina Jolie. Mine are just more vivid than most. (Much of it has thankfully been left out in view of female audience)

After watching "Mr and Mrs Smith" at Lido (at the exorbant price of $9.50), and emerging triumphant, sexually-charged, wild-eyed and smelling of popcorn butter, cursing Brad Pitt with the vocabulary a drunk Irish sailor would be ashamed of, and looking rather sexy in my pink shirt and pair of Levis' at 12am. I lingered in stupor at the bus stop for about 20 minutes, occasionally taking a glimpse at the midnight sky in hope of seeing Ms. Jolie arriving via helicopter to fetch her favourite superhero to her secret island abode. That was, until I realised the last bus had already left, and the prospect of taking a cab (and the extremely tempting 50% more midnight surcharge) did not seem all that pleasant.

Giving the heavens above a last hopeful scan (just in case the helicopter got delayed by bad air traffic), I succumbed to one of the many hundred balding chinese men driving Citicabs around orchard, like vultures homing in for the kill for a piece of an extremely depressed Butlerman (I had also confessed my feelings to the girl of my dreams. Not the result, nor reaction I was hoping for, to say the least), after eyeing my already-depleted wallet greedily.

Utter Ms. Jolie's name and my (Me and every other male on the face of this planet) jaw goes into spasms as salivary glands loses all control and heads into overproductivity (and more. I'll spare the details). What can I say other than quote my dear sister who claims that she will "grow a dick for that woman" (well maybe something unrelated to transexual and/or gender issues)

With my trip to Bangkok in 2 days (Yes, the 15th-21st. Somebody better bleeding miss me this time round! *shakes angry fist*), transexual and/or gender-related issues are more relevant I suppose. Give me a message or two to support me within the next week or so people, with "the girl a.k.a. girl of my dreams etc etc" being overseas as well, (managed to escape this time) I need somebody else to talk to.

Best of luck,
To (hopefully) a very unlikely relationship with "the girl",
A safe journey to Bangkok and back,
A successful Batman Begins premiere (irrelevant, yes I know... I know...)
TO THE BATMOBILE

posted by butler at 11:30 pm
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

butlerman hits wall street

I am not rich. Contrary to popular belief, I am positively cash-strapped. Realising the desperate situation, I have come up with a suitable list, in order of most feasible to least, to get some money quickly! Beloved readers can only ask and I will share my tips (at your own risk however. Don't say I didn't warn you)

1) Sell my body
2) Gamble
3) Smuggle petrol from Malaysia
4) Last resort being to get a job

While I'm not too sure how effective the first 3 are (however interesting they sound, especially number 1) , a close friend of mine has put mind, soul, body, and nearly all communications with me at risk (desperate isn't it) to earn some several hundred dollars. Incredible, considering the fact that I can barely handle such a sum in a mathematic equation. (My prowess in Maths is legendary)

With several quick mental calculations, so fast it was painstakingly so, and showing a knowledge of economics that would leave most Wall Street stock traders gasping feeble (and in great confusion), I managed to work out that someone of my great mental capability could possibly get a job at McDonalds (if I get lucky). 6 hours of nonstop oil, fries, false smiles and homosexuals in yellow jumpsuits and red wigs, everyday for for about 4 weeks and I'll possible make some money along my friend's lines. Mmm mmm. I can smell the grease already.

If anything, I blame my wallet's sudden slim bodyline on my house Feng Shui. Apparently, (I'm not joking when I say that) my kitchen sink shouldn't be in the Southeast corner of the house, and my door is in the wrong place. I always knew divine forces were working against me. Less then 12 hours ago the girl of my dreams told me she would'nt get into a relationship with anyone anytime soon. Divine intervention indeed.

To a possible job at McDonalds!
and as usual
TO THE BATMOBILE (June 16, Batman Begins, I'll see you there *lightning crackles*)

posted by butler at 9:26 pm
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