To the BATMOBILE

Monday, January 26, 2009

lunar angst

As the great Protector, symbol of courage and hope eternal for all residents of Siglap, Butlerman has officially declared Lunar New Year to be absolute shite.

Editors note: Yes yes, I know I have a tendency to criticize/whine about every holiday or festivity that comes about, but this is entirely justified. I swear.

The traditional financial incentives aside, there's honestly nothing much to look forward to during this forsaken period in time. In roughly 12 hours time, I'd be drinking some soda that might have been flat coke out of a cup that tastes of old people (not in the cannibalistic sense; I'm sure you know what I mean - its a mix between the hospital smell and clothes that have been kept in the cupboard for too long). Then I'd have stale bakkwa forced between my defiant clenched teeth by an old aunty, who despite suffering from the most severe cases of Parkinsons, Alzheimers and various organ failures, is surpisingly strong. Once weakened by the blatant attempts at food poisoning, she will proceed to interrogate me in multiple dialects and languages (in reality a dark and deadly spell that leeches away my youth and vitality for herself to prolong her cursed existence) about my school, how I did for my exams, how the IB system works, my height, and the true meaning of life, despite having told her most of the answers every year before that since I learned to talk.

Having completed my arduous task, and after demanding I perform a lapdance for her with two oranges (something like that, anyway) I'd be rewarded with 2 dollars.

That's not actually the worst part. For if by some miraculous twist of fate that I survive this entire ordeal, I'd still find myself waiting for all my friends to finish collecting their million dollar bounty for being young fresh-faced members of the Chinese race, and counting down the minutes before I get enlisted for National Service to learn how to defend my people.

As if, as Butlerman, I don't already...

TO THE BATMOBILE.

posted by butler at 3:09 am
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