To the BATMOBILE

Saturday, June 17, 2006

when superhumans collide

I dislike bus rides, I really do. Be it past experiences that may have influenced me so, or otherwise, I was once again rudely reminded why taking public transport never went down well with me.

With my insides bubbling away like a beaker in a mad scientist's laboratory, the result of eating a bowl of wan tan mian flooded with chillis and being made to make a frantic dash from Heeren to Far East Plaza (or Shopping Centre, whichever is next to... whatever it's called) to collect a custom-printed T-shirt cum birthday present as the shop was closing, I boarded 36 in hopes of a seat to rest my weary buttock cheeks and rest my head gently upon a (hopefully existant) commuter's pillowy bosom.

The 36 bus ride at 10 is always eerily quiet. With the mild warble coming from TVmobile (which I may add, has atrocious programmes, having bought the rights to the American dribble such as Designer Guys, Diva on a Dime and a ridiculous Candid Camera-esque style show that's hosted by a cartoon troll), everything else occurs in a vague dreamlike quality. People get on and off the bus in total silence, bobbling their heads as the bus rolls over stretches of uneven road or dead crows or cats, like characters of Night of the Living Dead.

This time however, just as my eyes glazed over and my jaw was beginning to slacken, MotorolaMan had to intervene. With his new M21812318 Hands-Free Headset, MotorolaMan sat with the confidence of a well-endowed gorilla alpha male in the middle of the bus, waiting for the opportune moment to make the greatest inconvenience of himself (when sleep was just about to grant me her deep loving kiss).

"Tony, is it? It's me, Jackass. I'm on schedule as I said 2 seconds ago, will be at the pub ETA 2300 for the match. I left the portfolio in the office in plain sight so you couldn't miss it even if I didn't tell you. Can I ask you something, can you think of any one reason why anyone would employ a total anus like me? Why did I ask? Because I'm the sort of person who'd sell his wife to get the new M21812319 Hands-Free Headset with little Squiggly Attachments(tm)."

A nanosecond's worth of silence.

"Sweetie? It's me, your loviedovie... Yeah I'm on my way home, about 30 minutes or so. No reason to tell you, but because I got my new M21812318 Hands-Free Headset and I'm an anus."

I want sleep.

"Tony ah? Just updating. Unexpected red light so I'll be at the pub ETA 2302 rather than 2300. If Seng Wee calls can you tell him I'm a faggot."

With ample powers at his disposal, MotorolaMan wore away at my endurance and I crumbled like a rotten cookie. Dragging myself off the bus when my stop finally came, having managed to gather 2 seconds of peace and quiet as by a miracle of God, MotorolaMan could not get a connection, I was confronted at my door by my dog offering me a saliva sample, which I could not but respectfully decline.

Next on my agenda, a football match to watch and a good deal of rest before I find MotorolaMan and settle scores.

TO THE BATMOBILE

posted by butler at 1:00 am
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