To the BATMOBILE

Monday, October 26, 2009

frankenblog

It lives again! Not the title hopes of Liverpool FC after an against-the-odds victory over the league leaders (because frankly, nobody reads this pile of dribble for sports news. Nobody reads this pile of dribble - period), but rather totheBatmobile, the biggest waste of Internet bandwidth since the birth of Christ. This is actually a modest self-appraisal by the author himself - after noticing Photobucket could not spare 82kb worth of memory to keep the background to this tripe sustained.

As a form of literary Hors d'œuvre for those new to the Batmobile experience, this blog has the moral depth of a baby's wading pool, and rarely, if ever, approaches anything vaguely intellectual. Instead Butlerman, Siglap and quite possibly Singapore's ~~sole~~ favourite superhero (or Singaporeans would have to settle for the arousing Cicakman or the Bryl-cream sponsored Krrish) only ever comments on his army-induced dwindling intelligence, and his failing social life and overall inadequacies with the female gender. To those already familiar with your one true savior, yours truly, you have my sincerest condolences and pity for actually bothering to come back to this blog (and deep inside, my inconsolable weeping gratitude).

Where does it all go wrong? What strange phenomena takes place which renders a fine physical specimen with wit and charm to boot incalculably helpless to any good-looking female? With the help of leading scientists, Butlerman undergoes a systematic dissection of his latest failure (his attempts are few and far between, for the information of the general populace).

Butlerman usually adopts a calm and aloof demeanor in any nightclub, adamant that the night's not going to be a good night (Black Eyed Peas be damned), and so cuts his losses as soon as possible. Nose in the air, he patrols the ground, condemning all the desperate long-sleeved bespectacled guys or bald new National Service enlistees to lifelong virginity and cold lonely bachelorhood. Tip-toeing around vomit, or dragging his shoes through sticky spilt alcohol mixes, he tries to ignore the few cool/beautiful ladies. Some guys may find this familiar (I can't be the only crazy person in this world).

Sun Tze probably once said "Nothing spoils your plan more than sexy lady who smiles at you", and he actually made sense. Because then you smile back - and the night's over. You force yourself outside under the moonlight, where surrounded by the unforgiving eyes of your fellows, you commit seppuku. Neil Strauss, famed author of the ~~sex-maniac self-help book~~ Art of Seduction guide "The Game" recommends you approaching a girl within 3 seconds of eye contact. Apparently girls don't even register the first sentence you ever say to them, and so it does not matter. Neil Strauss, is criminally insane. He also has the voice of a 6 year old choir boy. Stupid Neil Strauss.

Or you compound the mistake by staying. Maybe she actually meant to smile at you. She could not possibly be drunk (it's only 2am in a club! Impossible!). She's talking to another guy - likely to be a muscle-bound California Fitness trainer boyfriend. There she goes! Knew you were over-reacting. Nice song this- She's back! She's back! Good Lord she's smiled again. Perhaps an introduction is in order? After this song - you're not ready. She doesn't look ready. What do you say? What would she say in return?...

By which time, either nothing happen, she introduces herself first (after you suspect she's acknowledged that you're actually gay or a coward), or the club closes. No matter what, all the king's horse and all the king's men, could not put this back together again. To further complete the misery, you blog about it so the 4 people that read it can erase all semblances of your remaining dignity.

Sleep beckons - the solution to the above problem will have to wait. Any more delays and with Butlerman's lack of required sleep for the day ahead in the army, the SAF's fighting capabilities will be severely compromised. The rest of the world would immediately pounce, invading via an assortment of bicycles, tanks, submarines, flying saucers and tuk-tuks, and school children will be singing Glory to Syonan-To once again.

TO THE BATMOBILE

Disclaimer: The author would like to stress that he read The Game for mere entertainment purposes, because there was no other reading material available. Dead-honest.

posted by butler at 1:28 am
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